Today's questions comes from reader David S.
David asks:
"Hi, happy to have this outlet to ask this question! My daughter has special needs. My wife stays home with her and our other children and I work outside of the home. Sometimes, my wife does not think that I can handle the care of our daughter. We are new to this as my daughter is only 1 and we are working our way through it, but it seems like when I try to do something my wife just wants to take over and do things herself. Of course, we have spoken about it and basically she says that it is just more time effective to do it herself. But if I never learn, how will I be able to care for her efficiently?"
So, to the other parents out there, do you have any suggestions for me and my family? Thanks in advance."
Blog readers...take it away! Let's give David some support.
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4 comments:
Been there, done that! ;)
However, I'm kind of on the wifey side. Before she's going to calm down and trust, she has to trust herself. And I don't think she does yet. I was totally there...didn't want my husband to TOUCH a SINGLE thing. Then, I got exhausted and realized that I needed him to step up. Because, I finally trusted myself enough to say "Heather, let go" and because I knew in my heart he would do the right thing.
Send her my way...I'll talk to her! :)
I think even parents of healthy, typical children have this problem. If one parent is there all the time, they get in the habit of doing things "just so" and anyone else is going to have a hard time living up to that.
We worked hard from the very beginning to share all duties, because we knew we needed to be able to trust that things would be ok no matter who was there - in the NICU, my husband would take one day, I'd take the next. We'd each be sure we took a day off of NICU duty each week to recharge too.
It's going to be hard for her to let go of control...but she needs to. For her sanity and for yours. I'm sure she's feeling a little out of control since your daughter's birth and her care is the one thing that she does feel in control of. Help her see that you can do it too and that it will be good for both of you.
As a mom, it was hard for me to back off and let my husband take over my daughter's care. I would always be right there over his shoulder, telling him "No, that's not how I do it" or "You should do it this way". He had to tell me to back off, and explain to me how it made him feel. He felt like i was criticising everything he did, when I didn't mean to. I realize now that we do many things regarding our daughter differently, but they all work fine in the end. We catheterize her slightly different, we definately give meds/feeds different, it's just funny things. I always put meds in the g-tube and then her food, he does the other way around. It doesn't matter, so why did I have to correct him?
I think the Dad needs to calmly talk to the Mom. Explain that he feels like he is being criticised. That he understands it's hard to let go but it will be better in the long run if she has help.
I think it will be hard for her to let go some, but it will happen eventually.
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